"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me, 'Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." 

These are the words of Jesus to us. GO and MAKE disciples, and TEACH them. 

I thought I had an idea of what that meant, but now I am realizing I had a very vague idea. 

I have been living in a safe for a little over a month now. I was brought on staff as the house manager. The children in this safe house are all victims of sexual violence, putting them at risk of more sexual assault or worse, being trafficked. The mission and vision of those of us working here is that these children would heal from their past trauma by finding wholeness in Christ and then carry that wholeness back to their homes with them in order to spread the gospel of Christ. 

They in fact, are the littlest disciples I have ever had. 

And as I am standing in church today during worship, feeling somewhat tired and fidgety. I notice the children are seated also looking tired and fidgeting, not quite able to sit still or focus or sing from their hearts. I begin praying for my own heart at first and then for their little hearts as well. As I pray the Lord begins to silence me so that my attention is fully on Him, and He speaks.

"These are your disciples. They will do and say as they see you do and say. They will act as they see you act. With gentleness and patience, passion and ferver. Or with tiredness, frustration, impatience etc. 

They will learn to love me and know me personally as they witness your love and personally relationship with me or they will learn rigid religion and half-hearted efforts to obtain holiness . . . Seize every opportunity to teach them, I have taught you and to show them as you have been shown." 

In this moment of reality coupled with inadequacy weighing in, I breathe out the only prayer I can muster . . . "Jesus. Help." 

As I open my eyes I turn my head and there on the ground is a woman who has just collapsed in church. There are two Khmer people tending to her, one rubbing tiger balm on her chest and the other fanning her. At first I think she is laid out in the Spirit, but then a concerned look crosses the face of the girl fanning her and I decide I should probably get up and go check her pulse. 

It's faint at best. I can't get a good feel for it competing with the rhythmic motions of the Tiger Balm Lady. Her limbs are cold and it is hard to tell if she is breathing in the position that she is in, so myself and another Khmer guy hoist her up, take her out of the church and into another room where we lay her flat. Her husband and mother follow us. She is breathing, her pulses are slow but not dangerously. After a few more minutes of Tiger Balm Lady and myself relentlessly checking her pulses, she opens her eyes. 

When she is capable of speaking I take a short history from her. Before she collapsed she felt pressure in her chest as if someone was sitting on it, her limbs were tingling and then she was down. She knows she has a heart problem and has fainted a couple times this week already. Among other things she has AIDS, and had tuberculosis recently. She is going back to the doctor this week. Feeling somewhat helpless, having no medicine and really, no sure idea of what just happened due my limited knowledge of Khmer . . . I feel in my heart the only thing I can do for sure is pray. So we lay hands on her and ask the Holy Spirit to come and to heal.

She then lays down again to rest. As I walk outside I am met by the children. I have missed the Sunday service entirely and they are filled with questions. Is she okay? What happened?  

One child even says that she wants to pray forher. I remember the Lord's words to me: Seize every opportunity to teach them . . . So I gather all the children together. Quietly we go into the room where she is laying. I explain to them very simply:

She has a sickness in her heart. It makes her very tired and weak. So we need to pray and ask Jesus to heal her heart. When Jesus was here on earth he only touched people and said, "be healed" and they were healed. And because we believe in Jesus, we can pray for sick people and Jesus will heal them even today. Do you believe Jesus will heal her?  

. . . A resounding YES!

Okay then, let's pray. 

All at once, me and these very sweet 5 little girls lay hands on the woman sleeping in front of us. And at the same time we all lifted our voices asking Jesus to heal her . . . believing that he can and he will. 

Go  and  Make  

disciples  of  all  nations.  

Teaching  them  everything  

I  have  commanded  you.  

Two weeks ago Pastor David spoke on gifts. Spiritual gifts and the gifts of Christ- the 5 fold ministry. At the end of the service he prayed for us and prayed that we would grow in the gifts of the Lord that he has given us. 

It has been spoken, prayed, and prophesied that I have the gift of healing. And it has been said so many times that I believe the Lord is truly trying to confirm . . . or rather, convince me in my heart that it is true. It isn't that I don't believe it. It isn't that I don't want the gift . . . I DO more than anything! I am already a nurse, so what an amazing privilege to care for, but not only care for- PRAY HEALING over the sick and see them made well! 

SO, if I desire it so earnestly why haven't I seen more people healed? . . . I would say it is because I have small faith. I need bigger faith! 

Do you remember the two crippled people and the one dying man in India that I shied away from when I felt so strongly in my heart the Holy Spirit urging me to reach out to them?! (if not you can read it here: I just denied Christ 3 times . . . wow and I just realized that was almost exactly a year ago! . . . you think id've learned by now.) Anyway- small faith. 

Two weeks ago as I stood during worship at the end of the service, I recalled the story the in Mark 9 about the boy who was demon possessed and his poor, desperate father lays him at the feet of Jesus and says, "Please, if you can do anything, then help us!" . . . I imagine Jesus crinkling his eye brows as he says it, "IF?" Then the man cries out, "I believe, help my unbelief!" As I remembered this story I began to pray it, "I believe, help my unbelief!" 

I believe your Spirit still moves and still does miraculous signs and wonders,
help my unbelief!! 

I believe I have the gift of healing,
help my unbelief. 

I believe you will use my hands to heal many,
help my unbelief. 

Then I recalled to mind the woman I had seen just that week. Bent over completely in half walking with a small wooden stick, barely able to lift her neck to see in front of her; clothes tattered, dirty and worn; her gray, wiry hair pulled back but frizzling out on either side. My heart went out to her as I sat on my bike and watched her hobble her way across the intersection's crosswalk. My heart, mind and spirit at once said, "stand up straight in Jesus' name!" but do you think I walked over to her, and talked with her about a Savior who loves her and can heal her?! No, I rode home praying for her as I went. Why didn't I stop? I have a host of excuses . . . I needed to get back to the safe house; I was running late; I don't know the "King's vocabulary" yet which is the vocabulary you use when speaking about God, so I can't even tell her about Jesus anyway . . . the list goes on, but it boils down to one thing- small faith. 

Deep down in my heart I didn't believe she would stand up straight even if I prayed for her. I didn't believe that the Lord could actually give me the Khmer words to speak . . . I didn't believe. I didn't have faith.

So as I stood there, mulling all these things over in my mind, David asks us if any of us know we have the gift of healing, and to raise our hands, he wants to pray for us. I raised my hand. 

As I receive his words a prayer and a promise begin to form in my heart: "I believe Lord, help my unbelief. Lord, I want your Holy Spirit to help increase my faith. I will stop and pray for every person you prompt me to pray for. I will stop and pray healing. No more excuses. Even if the first one isn't healed when I pray, I will continue to pray, if the 1000 th person isn't healed when I pray I will continue to pray and believe in this gift, which you have already confirmed by the word of more than 3 witnesses! Amen."

SO . . .

Last week I went into Khmer class. My teacher and I have started praying together before every class. As she is trying to teach me how to pray in Khmer and is beginning with some basic "King vocabulary". She tells me her back is hurting and when she lifts up her shirt a little to show me her back there is a large golf ball sized lump there. It is not hard, it's soft and mushy, but a painful lump. I know I am supposed to pray for her and ask her if I can lay a hand on her back.  She sits in the chair next to me and I pray. When I finish, she doesn't tell me that the pain is gone, and I am pretty sure I can still feel the lump under my hand, but what she did say was that the place my hand was touching felt red hot like it was on fire as soon as I started praying and didn't stop until I ended. . . . so that's a start anyway and I tell her I will continue to pray and believe full healing is on the way. 

Then yesterday in church, I had arrived early with the kids. As they played outside, I went in to sit, read and pray. Our translator came in, a beautiful Khmer girl. She asked how I was, I returned the question. I could see that she wasn't quite okay. When I asked, she began telling me a story about how she got into an accident on her moto. The vehicle that hit her knocked her off and began dragging her moto with it. Thank you Jesus she wasn't pinned under and dragged herself. But I could tell the fall still took a toll on her. Her whole right side ached she said focusing on a right arm she was gingerly holding and could barely move at the shoulder joint. Again, I knew I was supposed to pray for her. 

I laid hands on her and began listening to what the Lord wanted to say about this pain and this accident. I prayed over her for a little while and when we stopped I asked her how she was feeling. A large smile strolled across her face as she began swinging her arms in large circles, rotating it at the shoulder joint, smiling, laughing and telling me her pain was gone completely!

The Lord is so so so good to us. He moves, he creates, he loves, he heals, he puts the broken back together, and he makes us whole. He is worthy of ALL praise! I am grateful the Lord has heard my prayers and is answering me, answering my desire for bigger faith. The faith that heals the sick. The faith that moves mountains and sees His Kingdom come. 

Why do we as sons and daughters of the most High God get super skittish when it comes to asking the Father for things that we want??? . . . 

Have you ever truly desired something in your heart but shied away from praying for that thing because you think, "I am not supposed to want that" or "that is selfish of me to want that"? 

But what if the thing you want is truly good, and life-giving? Is it still selfish to want it? 

The Bible says EVERY GOOD and PERFECT GIFT comes down from above from the Father of Lights. Every means EVERY GOOD and PERFECT thing in our lives is from God- your house, your spouse, your children, your salary, your possessions . . . all given to you by the one who loves you. Yes, given to you so you can steward them and build the Kingdom, but also given to you so you can ENJOY them because they were given by a GOOD Father who LOVES you so stinkin' much!

And not only that, but Matthew says, that God WANTS to give us good gifts. If we should ask for a fish would our Fathers give us a snake? If we asked for bread would they give us a stone?! NO and if we, being sinful man, can give good gifts to our children how much more does our Heavenly Father desire to give us good things?!?!  

So this is the story of how God gave me a bike! . . . enjoy. 

While I was home for Christmas, I spoke at my Aunt's house church. As we were wrapping up our time together she asked what my needs were. I shared with them how God had been more than faithful to provide for all my needs and I asked them just to join me in prayer and remain open to helping if anything should come up in the future. 

When she and I walked outside, my aunt said, "No, really Kristen, what are your needs?" Again, I assured her I didn't have any and the only thing I was really praying about was whether or not to spend money on a bike . . . a good bike. She stopped and said, "okay, time to go back inside." We walked back inside and she asked me to share my "need" again with the lady whose house we were at! 

I tried to explain this really wasn't a need per se. I went on to explain how before moving to  Cambodia, I would wake up at 6am and ride through the countryside near my house 25-30 miles a day. It was my favorite time of day; my prayer time with the Lord. I would watch the sunrise the world wake up. I told her this is the one thing I have missed most living in Cambodia. So I went on to say that I have just been praying about whether or not it would be good stewardship on my part to spend money on a really good bike. 

I was shocked at her response- "if you have no other needs than this, then OF COURSE we can buy a bike for you!" 

As I protested she led me to her garage where I saw many bikes of all kinds, two-seaters, collapsable, bikes for children, road bikes, mountain bikes! She went on to say, "Biking is my passion Kristen, it's what I love and if it is what you love too, then I would love to buy you a bike." She wrote me out a check right there and I thought my heart would leap out of my chest!!! 

In that moment I heard the Lord speaking to my heart loud and clear:

"This desire is a good and worthy desire. I want to show you how much I love you and honor this desire. Accept this gift with thanksgiving." 

In that moment I felt infinitely loved because my heart and passions were validated by my Daddy!! In that moment I experienced the life and love of the Kingdom of Heaven in a new way. 

Good gifts. God desires to give them. Do you have the guts to ask him?

Thank you . Thank you. Thank you.
to the friend who donated the money for the bike.
I am so grateful. 

I arrived a little late. The small room was already crowded and worship filled the air. Hosanna! Hosanna!! . . . I walked to the back corner, closed my eyes and allowed the Khmer worship songs to sweep over me. 

Pastor David stood up to preach and he began talking about the Holy Communion and Jesus' last supper with his disciples. He very vividly began painting a picture of the tremendous sacrifice of Christ. He is body- the bread broken for me. His blood- the cup of the New Covenant- poured out for me.

Christ took upon himself 

100% of our offense 

so that we could be free;

100% of our sickness 

so that we could be healed; 

100% of our guilt 

so we that could be righteous; 

100% of our sadness 

so that we could receive his joy;

100% of our worry

so that we could have peace;

100% of our fear

so that we could receive love.

Beaten. Bloodied. Taunted. Bruised. Broken. Humiliated. Tortured. 

So that I could be justified before a good and righteous God. Again and again the gospel of Jesus hit my heart and I could not help but be moved. Grace and Mercy mingled together and trickled down to cleanse this pauper of a girl, poor in spirit. Big fat tears just rolled down my cheeks as I listened; realizing I was falling in love with Jesus all over again, as if it were the very first time I had ever heard his message of great love. 

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  . . .

was the only response I could mutter.

The Gospel. 

Thy Kingdom come. 

The Kingdom of Heaven is like . . . 

a few of my favorite things. 

We stepped into the garden veranda. The jazz band was warming up. The low tones of the bass ebbed and flowed together with the soft melody of the piano as the notes to one of my favorite childhood songs floated through the air. . . .Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens . . . 

Instantly my heart lifted higher than before. A glass of red wine 

in my hand; a plate of freshly grilled steak and vegetable skewers on a plate in front of me; two beautiful women of God on either side of me. I was blessed! We chatted about boys, relationships and God's will; about missions and our chances of finding Mr. "God's-Choice" in Cambodia. Our faith and trust in God strengthened as we encouraged one another to continue on where the Lord has us, knowing he is able to move mountain and sea, heaven and earth to bring "him" to us . . . even to Cambodia. 

The jazz music began as we continued talking, laughing and people-watching. Before long we decided ice cream was a great idea. I fetched it while the girls saved our seats. When I returned conversation ceased as we each tried very hard to neatly but quickly eat it before it melted all over us! 

Then it began . . . 

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
brow paper packages tied up with strings
these are a few of my favorite things . . . 

Her cool, smooth voice glided through the speakers. I pulled my feet up, rested my head back, closed my eyes and listened. Eventually, I began thinking about my favorite things from today . . . 

the cool breeze of the fan that is lightly whipping my hair. 

Thank you Lord.

the rich sweetness and fully bodied taste of the wine. 

Thank you Lord.

the way this song transports me back to an utterly happy time. 

Thank you Lord.

the girls on either side of me and our lighthearted, life-giving conversation. 

Thank you Lord.

the savory peppercorn steak and the sweet grilled vegetables.

Thank you Lord. 

delicious melty ice cream and hand-made waffle cones.

Thank you Lord.

my strong legs with which I peddle my bike. 

Thank you Lord. 

the adventure of riding my bike in PP, and surviving. 

 Thank you Lord.

The young group of boys we met at the pool who just wanted to talk to the foreigners; who shared what little food they had with us.

Thank you Lord. Bless them. 

Time spent with Jesus in rest and meditation on His words and promises.

Thank you Lord.

The sermon I listened to about our words and the power they contain. 

Thank you Lord.

Skype and the blessing it is to speak to my parents and best friends in Ohio.

Thank you Lord. 

In that moment it was just me, the jazz singer, and Jesus. His peace and his loving arms wrapped around me and I rested there as I thanked him for my favorite moments of the day. 

And for that moment it seemed we were in a completely different place all together. Then I felt the Lord say in my spirit, "Kingdom . . . Every good and perfect gift comes from above. ENJOY them. Thank you for acknowledging me in all things. Where I reign and rule, the Kingdom comes. As you acknowledge my reign and rule you will find yourself in the midst of my Kingdom." 

The Kingdom of Heaven is like . . . 

a boomerang. 

When you release the goodness of the Kingdom in the lives of others . . . 

it comes back to you. 

One day last week I walked down the stairs of LEC, my language school here in PP. As I was passing by an empty classroom I noticed one of my former teachers was lying on the cool, tile floor, her shirt under her head, and the fan blowing on her. I ducked my head into the classroom, "Chuu (sick), eh?" I asked. "Jaa, Chuu." (yes, sick). Immediately my heart broke for her as I could tell she was miserable. She had been vomiting that morning. 

All the teachers where I learn Khmer are young people in their 20's like me. Most of them are Christians, but several of them are seeking still feeling the tension and pull of their families to hold onto old Buddhist traditions. This particular teacher is one who is seeking. As I sat listening to her symptoms and the story of how she became sick, I felt strongly in my spirit I should pray for her. 

I asked if I could pray for her in the Name of Jesus that he would make her well. By this time two other teachers who are Christians had joined me on the floor. We surrounded our sister. We laid hands on her and we prayed to Jesus and asked for healing. After praying I asked her how she felt. She said she felt a little better. At first I wasn't sure by the look on her face if she really did feel better. I was wondering if maybe we should pray for her again, but as we continued to sit and talk about the Lord Jesus, her face began to change. And then she got up. She walked down stairs with us saying she felt better!

So today after class I walked down stairs to the common room where all the teachers sit if they are not teaching. We talked and laughed and joked with one another, but I didn't feel very well. For days my stomach has given me problems. I asked the teachers if they would pray for me that my stomach would feel better because I was a little "Chuu bpua" (sick to my stomach). I asked for prayer, but wasn't really expecting what happened next. The teachers gathered around- even my precious, seeking, friend from the week before who was sick- they laid hands on me right there and all prayed out-loud at the same time, asking Jesus to come and heal me! 

Kingdom. 

Recovery of sight to the blind; the lame walk; the oppressed go free; life; love; freedom.

These are all words I have come to associate with the Kingdom of God as I have experienced it in the last couple years. 

But what about these words?! 

Suffering. Pain. Discomfort. Solitude. Dark night. Aching. Ruin. Dying. 

These are all words I have come to associate with the Kingdom of God as I have experienced it in the last couple months. 

In our culture especially, we try to alleviate pain as quickly as possible- even better, if we can prevent it all together. I know in my last 28 years if I have felt pain then I have immediately associated it with something is WRONG!

If I am in pain in my body then something is wrong in my body that needs fixing. If I am in pain in my heart then something is wrong in my relationships that needs fixing. And immediately I seek solutions to ease or eradicate the pain.

An intercessor of mine wrote me this note not to long ago . . .

God brought you to Cambodia to kill you. To kill your dreams, kill your "doing", to kill your plans, to kill your ministry. To kill off everything that you think you thought you knew...about relationships, about leadership, about partnering, about service, about ministry.  

Ouch. That is the bad news he said, and I have felt very deeply the very extent to what this means. The Lord has been doing a great work of stripping away all of these things- my sense of self, reputation, ministry, leadership, community, and calling even- all stripped away from how I once knew them. 

What have I been left with? 

Suffering. Pain. Discomfort. Solitude. Dark nights of the soul. Aching. Ruin. Dying. . . . 

and Jesus! 

In the last couple months when the pain has seemed to overwhelm and I have called out to God demanding him to speak a word of solace- instead of meeting me with his words, he has met me with his peace and his rest and his great silence. 

I am in a very painful season of growing, but Jesus is ever present in the midst of it all. I can honestly say that even though it is hard on a HUGE scale I, for the first time, am not seeking a quick fix for the pain. This pain is not associated with anything WRONG in how I have understood "wrong" in the past. It is birthed out of all the RIGHT things-  the true, noble, and pure things- that God desires to grow in me. 

I am not in a rush to move from this place of brokenness because I am experiencing, identifying with, and loving Jesus in a more authentic way than I have ever experienced him before! 

My encouragement to anyone who may find themselves in this same season of utter brokenness and growing pains; feeling all these same things is: press in. 

You, my friend, are in the middle of the Kingdom of God. You are positioned to receive a greater measure of Jesus than you have ever, ever experienced before. 

Jesus calls us blessed in the 5th chapter of Matthew:

You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. 

Paul says in Romans 8: 

You did not receive the spirit of slavery by which to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of adoption as sons by whom we cry "Abba Father" . . .  And if children of God then we are heirs- heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ provided that we suffer with him that we might also be glorified with him. For I consider that these present and momentary sufferings are NOT WORTH comparing to the future glory that is to be revealed to us!

James tells us in the 1st chapter of his book:

Consider it ALL JOY my brothers when you face trials of many kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 

My intercessor went on to say: 

He did or is doing that so He can have ALL of you, the parts you haven't given Him, the areas where you really didn't think you needed Him, where you thought you had it all figured out. He wants it all, even the hidden things that no one knows about.  And He wants you to offer as a sacrifice to Him whatever is left in you that hasn't already been beaten and pulverized and executed. 

And when you are truly dead, when you have nothing left to give, when you are at the end of your rope, when you are truly rejoicing in your weakness, that's when He will shine.  That's when He will resurrect what He wants from you, in you, for you. That's when He will resurrect the Kristen that He wants in Cambodia. That's when you will see His vision, His people, His purpose, His will.  That's when you will step into what He called you there for. 

He brought you there to kill you.  To resurrect what He wants, to resurrect beauty from ashes. 

This is the work of Jesus in our lives. Resurrection Life. This is the gospel and the Kingdom of God. 

What needs to die in your life? 

What is God killing in you so he can resurrect something more beautiful and more fruitful? 

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels-a plentiful harvest of new lives.

-John 12:24 NLT